Sins Against Coffee

If you love pyramid schemes (aka multi-level marketing, or “cooperative marketing”) then read no further.  Just click the graphic and don’t look back.  More power to you.

Personally, these types of companies make me feel queasy.  So when I saw the add for “free coffee samples” on Facebook and it took me to this Boresha “Excotic Coffee Experience With A Purpose” I was a bit excited.  But the further I read, the more uneasy I felt.

It’s the same old story.  It’s Amway with coffee.  They promise that if you join, and sell their product (which is easy, they say, because the product sells itself) you rake in money hand over fist, and the more people you sign up to sell, you earn a percentage of all their money too.  Add to this a red-herring where supposedly a portion of the profits also go to help poor kids in … you guessed it, Uganda, the center of the online scam world … I just have to throw my hands up and call foul.

I know people who swear by this kind of thing.  Me, personally, my opinion is it’s a rip off.  I don’t believe anyone but those at the top of the pyramid will ever make the kind of money they promise, and I wouldn’t ever want to be associated with it, because to me it smells of bullshit.

Anyway, there will be no reviewing of “Boresha” coffee on this website.  Ever.

There’s a guy at work — let’s just call him Bob — yes, Bob is at it again — who likes his coffee strong.

“What’s wrong with that?” you ask. “Is not strong coffee a good thing?”

“Yes,” I reply, “but not the way Bob does it.”

Bob makes a pot of office coffee which, as usual, is far too weak. But instead of trying to remedy this sad situation by making a pot using more coffee, he takes the coffee he just made and…

I hope you’re ready for this. It’s quite shocking. It may make some of my more sensitive readers burst into tears.

Bob takes that pot of too-weak coffee, and he pours it back into the coffee maker to run it through again.

Through the same used grinds, even!

This is like trying to make a better car by forcing it through the factory line twice. This does not work. Instead of producing an improved twice-manufactured car, you end up with a gnarled piece of junk.

It’s the same with coffee. Bob has taken coffee which was bad to begin with, and in an attempt to make it better, has turned it into something utterly vile.

If you see Bob do this, immediately roll up a newspaper and smack him! It’s a sin against coffee!

Thou shalt not twice-brew coffee.

There’s a guy at work — let’s just call him Bob — yes, Bob, the bastard is at it again — who has a frugal streak in him. While in most circumstances this is fine, as generally speaking less is more, but in this case it is not.

Most definitely not.

Bob is conscientious enough to brew a new pot when he discovers the coffee is gone. Points for Bob! However, Bob’s frugal nature tells him to not remove the old grinds from the coffee pot. No. Instead he adds a couple scoops of fresh grinds right on top of the old ones, and then makes the coffee with that.

Frugal conscientious Bob is attempting to reanimate dead coffee.

No, Bob! No! Bad! Bad Bob!

Thou shalt not attempt to reanimate dead coffee!

Is it truly his frugal nature which prompts him to commit this sin? Or laziness? Or just plain ignorance? Does Bob think that coffee tastes so awful anyway that doing this will make no difference? Or are all the taste buds in Bob’s mouth as dead as the coffee he’s trying to reanimate?

Regardless, what he’s doing is a sin against coffee — and the result is horrid, putrid zombie coffee from Hell.

If you see Bob do this, immediately roll up a newspaper and smack him.

Bob must be stopped!

You have a co-worker — let’s just call him Bob — he comes into the office early, and sees someone had just started a pot of coffee maybe two minutes before him. He stands there, waiting a few seconds, then thinks … I’m in a hurry.

Bob pulls the pot out from under the dribbling coffee stream, and fills his coffee cup from what there is in the pot, then puts the pot back under the stream. He walks away, whistling, with an extra strong cup of coffee to start his day.

Bob just stole the heart of the coffee. The rest of it is going to taste like crap.

Don’t do that, Bob! It’s a sin! You have sinned against coffee!

Bad, Bob! Bad! No no!

If you see Bob do this, roll up a newspaper and smack him.